Today we celebrated all things James Buchanan. He might rank in the bottom three of presidents consistantly, but it takes some work to suck that much, so we celebrate his suckitude and his drinking, and even his mashed potato and sauerkraut parties just like we would any other president. He may have done nothing to stop the country from a Civil War, causing over 600,000 deaths, but hey, he could drink with the best of them, that's gotta be worth something, right? RIGHT?
Our Buchanan made a cameo today, too. But, I knew she wouldn't be cooperative enough to be Jimmy B in the toy timeline. (Yes, our female rat is named Buchanan, what's it to you?)
Lets get to this toy time and see exactly where things went disasterally bad for our 15th president, shall we?
James Buchanan Jr. was born in PA, the only president to be born there, I couldn't believe that fact, but it's true!. We've decided to use Mr. & Mrs. Incredible for all presidential parents (unless of course it's a redhead!), so here is James with his dad the farmer/merchant/businessman, James Sr., his mom Elizabeth. They had like a million kids (or 11), and Jimmy B. was one of them.
Oh, and he was born in a log cabin, joining the presidential log cabin club (there's 7 in total).
We don't know much about JB's childhood. Probably because nobody can get through his terribly memoirs (have you SEEN the Amazon Reviews on Mr. Buchanan's Administration on the Eve of a Rebellion?!) Of course you haven't, don't lie.
But, anyway, we do know he was near sighted in one eye and far sighted in the other, causing him to cock his head at weird angles and close an eye when he spoke. He also had super human hearing and could hear people whispering from a room away. Try as I might, I can't connect these facts to anything relevant, but they are true nonetheless.
So JB goes off to college and learns how to hold his liquor while smoking cigars and hardly ever going to class, since he was too busy getting drunk (I mean how else are you supposed to learn how to hold your liquor?) He even gets temporarily expelled. But none of this pisses off his teachers as much as his grades. You see, James, who appears to never study or take anything seriously, is an EXCELLENT student anyway. (Clint Sattler, anyone?)
After college he becomes a lawyer, because that's what you do. I could make a presidential lawyers club, but there's not enough room on my kitchen table for that. Anyway, Jimmy B cleaned up his act, when he met this lovely lady. This is Anne (not to be confused with Snow White, I know they look a lot a like), and Anne is pretty rich. The two get engaged, but rumors swirl that Jimmy B is only with her for her money, and even worse that he cheats on her left and right. Anne can't confirm nor deny these rumors (where's TMZ when you need them?), and James doesn't really do anything to squash them either.
The engagement ended suddenly. No one knows who broke up with who or why, but Anne left town, and then DIED MYSTERIOUSLY! Her doctor said she died of 'hysteria', but since even people in the 1800's weren't idiots, and nobody had ever died from hysteria before, so the doctor finally relented and was like 'yea, that chick probably committed suicide, my bad'. Was James involved? Nobody knows, but Anne's dad must have thought so, because he didn't let JB go to Anne's funeral. Again, Jimmy did nothing to clear up the mystery behind her death. Instead he wrote a letter that would 'explain everything', and could be opened upon his death... so stay tuned! (The boys groaned when I wouldn't let them open the letter right away, it says open upon JB's death guys, you gotta wait!)
So James, a Federalist and then a Democrat sets off on his Henry-Clayish-stay in politics. He started in the PA legislature. Then he spent 10 years in the U.S. House of Representatives.
Andrew Jackson appointed him Minister of Russia...
Then he spent another decade in the Senate...
James Polk made him secretary of state...
.. And Franklin Pierce tried to nominate Jimmy B to the Supreme Court, but JB passes on the offer....
... So instead he becomes the minster of Great Britain. If it seems like he spent a whole lot of years in politics, he did. He served in some capacity under every president from Monroe to Pierce.
It's worth pointing out that during all this time, James never got married, which unless you are living under a rock, you know he is the only president to never be married. And rumors not only swirl around today that he was gay, but rumors certainly made the rounds around D.C. about Jimmy B. He, again didn't make anything clearly. In fact for years he lived with Franklin Pierce's VP, William Rufus King (the only bachelor VP in our history!) People in Washington called them 'Mr and Mrs. Buchanan' and Andrew Jackson, that ass, called him and Rufus 'Aunt Fancy and Miss Nancy'. That Andrew was a jerk. Either way, I'm throwing that in, even though nobody knows. That JB, he was secretive and mysterious his whole life. (I for one can't wait to find out what that letter says!)
Anyway, being overseas, Jimmy B got to stay out of the whole slavery debate. And when word got to him the Democrats were about to nominate him for president, he sent a letter letting them know he wasn't about to accept such a nomination.
But they did, and JB didn't keep good on his promise. He was running against John C. Fremont (hey, Fremont!).....
....and the would be comeback kid of Millard Fillmore. And, if you're running against a guy who ruined the Whigs, and became part of a party who named themselves the Know-Nothing Party, you've probably got this. James Buchanan won, of course. And there we have our 15th president.
But after that it was all downhill for Jimmy B. An illness spread through his hotel in Washington, and he got terribly sick when he was there for meetings as president-elect. He nearly died. But, the country wouldn't be so lucky.
I mean on paper he should have made a great president. He had charisma. He was sharp and perceptive. He had the resume, and he had a greater intellectual capacity than probably any other president before him (and Tommy J came before him, so that's saying something!)
JB is innauguarated, and immediatly states he's going to be a Lame Duck president. He doesn't want people to think he's doing things just for re-election purposes, or he knows the country is about to go to crap and he knows he'll want out. Either way, he never intended to run for a second term.
Still wanting to stay out of the slavery debate, in his address, he's like 'hey guys don't worry about it, the Supreme Court is about to issue a ruling, it'll end the slave debate once and for all, and everything will be fine... Lets go drink!"
That case? Well, it's the Dred Scott case. In case you need to rewind to fifth grade history, he was the slave whose owner moved to the north, and he sued for his freedom, after all he was living in a free state (there's more to it, but you get the gist).
But, the Supreme Court is supreme jerk-ery says slaves can't even sue in that court, because they're property not citizens, and therefore they're slaves anywhere they go. Even more so, Congress doesn't have a right to tell any state they have to be free or slave. So that whole Missouri Compromise thing from Millard Fillmore's day is bullcrap.
Basically, Dred Scott loses his case. The north loses their minds, and the south rejoices.
And James Buchanan? He throws parties. Like, epic, call the police-end up sleeping on the floor of the White House- drink multiple bottles of win yourself parties. To be fair, Jimmy B was totes against slavery. He even bought slaves just to free them. But, he also thought states should get to decide what they wanted to do. Rumors swirled he had something to do with the ruling in the Supreme Court, which pissed a whole lot of Republicans off.
And parties or not, the north was not thrilled with their new president. That new president just kept throwing parties though, and nobody in Washington could keep up with him. Many would try, all would fail. Happy frat boy like drunk Jimmy B would drink three bottles of wine himself and then down some whiskey and still be coherent. He once wrote to the campaign suppler that the bottles they were sending the White House wasn't big enough. Oh, and there was mashed potatoes and sauerkraut, because apparently that symbolizes a crazy party. Harriett Lane, JB's adopted niece had to handle all the First Lady duties, and God help this woman, because it couldn't have been easy to clean up all the beer pong tables on the White House lawn.
And while Jimmy B was partying, more trouble was brewing. Harper's Ferry (previously in VA, today in West VA) was holding a whole lot of weapons, including the bat symbol. It was a treasure trove for someone trying to lead a slave revolt. I mean if someone could arm the 4 million slaves in the south, surely they could rise up and take down slavery themselves.
This guy was John Brown. He tried to get Fredrick Douglass to go along with him, but come on Fredrick Douglass is way to smart for that. He knew it was a suicide mission.
In short, it was. They stole the weapons alright, but it was just 21 guys, and their backup never showed up.
And you don't F with Robert E. Lee, unless you're Hiram Grant.
John Brown's raid on Harpers Ferry becomes a legend, and he becomes a martyr for abolitionists everywhere. But, he's dead, because if you try and lead a revolt, it's gonna be a suicide mission. Fredrick Douglass was no dummy. (He was tried, convicted, and hung, in case you were wondering.)
As tensions heightened, Jimmy B refused to get involved. When people asked him about the talk of succession, he basically said it was unconstitutional for the south to succeed but it was unconstitutional to stop them. If that sounds to you like JB was trying to stop people from succeeding by threatening them with a completely unenforceable law, then you're exactly right. South Carolina wasn't exactly shaking in it's boots.
But Jimmy B was almost out of dodge, because it was time for a new election. This was all about to be someone else's problem. JB interfered and the Democrats ended up with two nominees, so of course Abraham Lincoln won. Math people, Math!
There are troops at Fort Sumter, and everyone knows what's about to go down. Yet Jimmy B still refuses to do ANYTHING.
So South Carolina succeeds, because OF COURSE THEY DO. Seven more states follow, and the Confederate States of America is formed with good old Jefferson Davis at the helm. AND JAMES STILL DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! Which, gives the south time to organize. Not well played at all, Jimmy B.
But he is about to get the heck out of dodge, and on the way to Lincoln's inauguration, nobody is happier than JB, and he makes sure people know it. He tells Lincoln "If you are as happy entering this office as I am leaving it, then you are the happy man."
Buchanan goes back to PA, where people hate him. Signs are posted everywhere with his face on them, his eyes colored red and the words TRAITOR written all over them. (I mean to be fair, people did believe his Secretary of War not only embezzled $850,000 but sent ammunition to the south, yikes!) Jimmy B wasn't anyone's favorite person, and his only attempt came from that poorly reviewed memoir.
Three years after the end of the Civil War, Jimmy B caught a cold and died. But, the day before his death he was sure the history would vindicate him.
Sorry Jimmy B, that wasn't that case. He consistently competes with Harding for the worst president. Rounding out the bottom three is Andrew Johnson proving it pretty difficult to come before or after the Great Emancipator. (So, what's your excuse Warren Harding? I can hardly wait to find out!)
His presidency was as much of a mess as my kitchen table was when I was done with the toy timeline.
Oh, and that letter.. well, lets open it and find out what secrets we can finally discover!
Except, just kidding. On his death bed, he told poor Harriet to pick up the last of the beer pong and burn that letter along with all the ones he had from William Rufus King. The world will never know what was in them, so disappointing.
The boys were not pleased with me, but I thought it was awesome.
We had owl mail this morning, of course and watched our PBS president in 60 seconds.
The boys made their cards. They wanted to burn them so I couldn't read what was in them.
Now not mentioned above, but a fun fact nonetheless, James Buchanan was president during the Pony Express days. It only lasted 18 months because using all those horses and guys wasn't exactly the best way to send mail.
The boys made ponies out of dollar store mops. I had seen it on pinterest, and I totally wanted to do it. I also got to teach the boys how to braid. They weren't very good at it though.
The dollar store horses are pretty flimsy, a bigger map would have made there noses a little more pony like, but I wasn't prepared to spend more than $3 on this project.
And they came out cute. But, that was just the first half of the activity for the day. Stay tuned, I promise it won't be a let down like that letter.
James Buchanan's document is the official notice from South Carolina that they are leaving the Union. We added our props from the days events.
Also added was the usual fun facts.
He had the largest presidential dog, a Newfoundland named Lara who weighed 170 pounds
He also had a heard of elephants given to him, but they went off to live at the zoo
Everyone thought J&B whiskey was named for James Buchanan
And his famous quotes...
We are not sauerkraut people here, but we did have it in honor of Jimmy B's sauerkraut and mashed potato parties. Asa made these awesome mashed potato things from the presidential recipe book we have (there's at least one recipe per president and this was the only one for JB)
After dinner we got to the second part of the activity. Here we have 15 questions about our 15th president pony express style. It was going to start out as a mailbox to mailbox thing, but there were a lot of cars, and I didn't want the kids running out into the street, so I had to rethink this. But anyway, I asked a question, the boys took the correct answer and took it around the corner..
To the other mailbox (which was moved farther/closer depending on who was running to make it a little more even and fair).
Instead of the front mailbox, we put the cards on the table in the backyard.
And then questions! And running (on your horse)! And putting the correct answer in the mailbox!
Calib did the 15 questions in 4:45 seconds. But, he might have stepped in some dog poop (even though Peyton and Hayden claimed to have pooper scooped yesterday, ahem!)
Peyton did a really good job too, but came in seven second behind Calib. Both of them got all 15 questions right though.
Hayden beat Calib by 15 seconds, but he missed one.
They all had fun though. They weren't pleased when I announced the winner got extra sauerkraut for dessert. (They actually ended with some points.)
And that mailbox? Well, I didn't just order it for this silly little game. Oh no, I have big plans for it.
Oh and our hashtag! Taking the party to the Executive Mansion #BachelorPad #DrinkinB4Lincoln
Look, it's filling up! (Especially that first column!)
Oh, and one last fun fact, Jimmy B shares his birthday with one other guy you might have heard of, William Shakespeare (although who really knows for sure, there wasn't Wikipedia to document that one when it happened).
Next Up: I feel like there's stuff going on this official weekend, but I'm not sure what.. next week we've got a couple birthdays though, so I need to work on those!
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