Happy Birthday, Thomas Jefferson!

The Story of Thomas Jefferson

2020 Edition By Corinne Waterstraut

Two-hundred and seventy-seven years ago today, the future 3^rd president of the United States of America was born in the colony of Virginia.

Red-headed, freckle-faced Thomas Jefferson was probably the coolest and the nerdiest kid in the colony.

He was from a rich family, he was well educated, had the best tutors, spoke all kinds of languages, and played the violin, then he went to college and became a lawyer. So, Yawn. Pretty par for the course for our first six presidents (till we got to Jackson, you know?) You’d hate him for being so perfect, if he wasn’t so awesome.

So what makes him so awesome? Thomas Jefferson was also one the brightest, most creative, adventurous, curious minds the world has ever seen. His learning didn’t stop with his classical education from his tutors. No, Thomas Jefferson wanted to know everything about everything, so he spent his whole life teaching himself as much as possible from books. Thomas Jefferson’s favorite thing in the whole world was books.

A usual day in Thomas Jefferson’s childhood looked like this:

5AM-8AM- Study botany, zoology, chemistry, anatomy, religion and agriculture. Awful ambitious for before breakfast, no?

8AM to 1PM was reserved for studying law and politics.

The Afternoons were reserved for history, and a two mile run

After dinner it was time to finish up the day with literature and languages.

Before he started it all over again.

But TJ just doesn’t bury his nose in a book, he adventures! He loves to explore the land around him, running through woods and creeks, and collecting specimens and samples of anything new.

Plus, Tinkering Tuesday would be like TJ’s jam. He loves inventing new contraptions. Eventually he will make an early version of a wooden coat hanger, the swivel chair, a letter-copying machine, and a dumbwaiter. It makes for a good conversation piece, and it’s practical, his guests will want to clean up after themselves!

He is a man of many talents. He’s an architect, designing one of the most awesome homes in America at Monticello. He’s an expert in agriculture, and lives on the edge: Once while in Italy, TJ stuffed his pockets with rice seeds (which is totally illegal), so he can bring them home to grow. He even bribed the mule driver to keep quiet.

His list of secret talents is as long as a CVS receipt. He’s a philosopher, a scientist, a writer. Where other people dabble, Thomas Jefferson masters. There’s a story about Thomas Jefferson meeting a stranger. They talk mechanical operations, and the stranger thinks TJ is an engineer. Then they talk agriculture, and the stranger believes he’s a farmer. More talking The stranger now thinks Jefferson is a clergyman, a politician, a doctor, a lawyer.

Basically TJ is a walking Google Assistant. He can tell you everything about anything. He’s interested in it all.  You can travel by balloon? Grow this new thing called asparagus? You’ve got TJ’s attention!

He’s also a handsome, athletic, smart guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. Enter: Martha Skelton. Martha was a widow by the time she was 20, her husband, Bathurst Skelton (real name) died after just over a year of marriage. So she is back on the market, and she’s going to be a sought-after catch.

Martha has an expansive education for a chick in these days, she’s beautiful, she’s young. And what especially catches TJ’s eye: she also plays the violin and loves books. They’ll have so much to talk about.

By the time they are married in 1772, when TJ is a bright young lawyer, the two young love birds were wowing their guests with duets. TJ even bought her a piano and a teacher for more music lessons. He builds her the home at Monticello, complete with a planation and farm. They’re also going to need a lot of slaves to run the place. Good thing, because they both inherited plenty of them from their dead fathers.

TJ is a proponent of individual rights, and democracy, and he is all for the colonies breaking up with Britain to become their own county. And he’s got the political clout to help make that happen. TJ has been a delegate in the House of Burgesses, and is now a delegate to the Continental Congress from Virginia.

His responsibilities to both of those positions often suffered, so he could be with Martha. She’s had six kids, only two of which survived: daughters Patsy (official name Martha) and Polly (Mary), and it’s put a strain on her frail body. Her health is failing.

But there is work to be done, someone has to let the British know we’re done with them. It’s time for an epic break up letter. A committee of five are tasked with writing The Declaration of Independence: TJ, John Adams, Ben Franklin and two other guys who don’t really matter (Robert Livingston, and Roger Sherman for the record).

The Committee selects TJ and John Adams to team up and write the thing, TJ defers to John Adams, and John Adams defers to TJ. We’ve got an old Canadian stand-off here. So John Adams lists out his reasons why TJ should write it.

1.  You are Virginian, and a Virginian should appear as the head of this operation

2.  I am obnoxious, suspected, and unpopular, you are the opposite.

3.  You can write 10 times better than me.

John Adams wasn’t wrong, and TJ knew it. TJ is one of the best writers there is. His essays will stand the test of time, and reveal was a stunning, brilliant mind he had. He composed over 18,000 letters in his day. He filled books with his ideas.

        

So, that was it. TJ got to work, and he wrote a masterpiece, or so he thought. When he gave the finished product to Congress, he was disappointed to find out they “hacked it away”, even getting rid of his condemnation of slavery.

Thomas Jefferson might have had a lot of slaves at Monticello, but he knew the issue of slavery would end up being one of the nation’s biggest problems.

He was an early abolitionist. He was a devout opponent to slavery, and lobbied against it virtually his whole life. It’s a contradiction, for sure, since Monticello was one of the largest slave operated states in the colonies. He would give many of them household duty, instead of having to work in the farms. But they would still work 14 hour days. Some of them were entrusted with duties most master’s wouldn’t allow their slaves to take on. He grew up with a boy who eventually became his slave (being left to TJ by his father) named Jupiter, who TJ considered a friend.

Why not free his slaves you ask? Well, he doesn’t often consider it. It’d be hard to run Monticello without them. Sometimes, though, he give them their freedom. But, that’s complicated too. Life isn’t easy for a freed slave. One of his freed slaves ends up an alcoholic, and commits suicide.

For now, though, lets move through history. We’re about to have ourselves a Revolution. The official Declaration of Independence gets it’s first signature (the one, the only John Hancock) on the fourth of July, 1776.

TJ is a writer, though. Not a fighter. While the Revolution wages he’s going to work on finalizing the Virginia state Constitution,  then he’ll help his BFF James Madison with the United States Constitution, and he’ll work on a Bill for Religious Freedom.

TJ is especially proud of that last one. He might have been interested in religion as a whole, but he was often called an atheist. (He never belonged to a church, but he did give money to some and attend services occasionally. But really he was just more interested having religious freedom).

After the Revolution is won, TJ will serve as the Governor of Virginia (only the 2^nd one they ever have!)

But things at home have gotten worse. Martha’s health is declining. TJ will experience his own ‘day the music died’ when Martha dies at the age of 33. Her death leaves TJ utterly devastated. He describes his ten year marriage as “10 years of unchecked happiness”. Legend has it, on her death bed, TJ promises Martha he will never remarry.

Now, don’t take this as Thomas Jefferson never looked at another girl again. Because, google any of the ladies he’s said to have an affair with and the first article that comes up is “The Sexual Liberties of Thomas Jefferson” from the Journal of the American Revolution. He had a firm belief in natural philosophy that included sex was perfectly right and normal for people in love.

So TJ must have been in love a lot. Mostly with married women. TJ might not have been a cheater, but he had no problem being the homewrecker. He was said to have an affair with Betsey Walker, which took place whenever Betsey’s husband, and TJ’s friend, John, was out of town.

Then there was Maria Cosway, who is married to a famous-for-his-time artist. TJ, though, is smitten with the married Maria’s beauty, and musical and artistic talents. TJ isn’t one to kiss and tell, so we don’t know for sure what happened here. But they certainly enjoyed one another’s company.

So basically, while TJ kept his promise to Martha, he didn’t exactly go celibate for the rest of his life. But Marriage isn’t the only thing he’s about to swear off. His heart isn’t in politics either. He says he’s done. But, TJ obviously changed his mind.

In 1784, TJ is going to head on out to Europe to help negotiate some treaties with various European nations. He’ll go with one of his daughters in tow, and a few of his slaves, including Sally Hemmings. She attends to TJ in exchange for clothing, meications, and 12 livres a month. Sally is 17, and she’s also allegedly the late Martha Jefferson’s half sister (Martha’s dad had a thing with Sally’s mom, his slave).

Later TJ’s grandson will call Sally “light colored and decidedly good looking”, as she is biracial. But any amount of African-American genes in you in the 1700s made you black, and therefore, more often than not, a slave.

TJ, who supposedly hated international relationships, even going as far as to say “when freed (blacks) are to be removed… beyond reach of mixture.”

But apparently, TJ didn’t think that applied to him, because he had an off again on again affair with Sally Hemmings, that some historians believed ran for the rest of his life. We don’t know much about it, was she a willing partner? How ongoing was this?

TJ never says anything publicly or privately about it, as far as anyone knows. But, DNA today proves that he most likely fathered one of her kids, but it could be as many as six of her kids. (Sally won’t go to DC with TJ when he’s elected president, she’ll be too busy running Monticello and looking after children.)

But for now, Sally and TJ are in Paris. TJ has joined Benjamin Franklin and John Adams to work on US relations. After the war was over, it was time to send out Ministers to Europe, basically the early Ambassador. You go out there, you make nice with whatever country you’re stationed in, and you are responsible for US relations.

When Ben Franklin has had enough being Minister to France, TJ is up to bat. The French guy commented, "You replace Monsieur Franklin, I hear." Jefferson replied, "I succeed. No man can replace him." Even TJ knew Ben Franklin was pretty cool.

Worth noting: his daughter Polly spends some time outside of Paris, living in England with the John Adam’s family. TJ and Adams are still friendly.

Over in France, TJ really lived it up. He collected art, statues, paintings, silver, and china. And he really ate well. He learned about waffle irons, and french fries. Five years in France really classes up the old Southern boy TJ.

But TJ will be wanted back in the states. The Constitution has been written by TJ’s buddy James Madison, and George Washington has been sworn in as president. TJ missed all the highlights of history!

George Washington, though, has summoned TJ home to appoint him the first ever Secretary of State. The pressing issues of the time: national debt, and where to put the capital of the US.

TJ  opposed any sort of national debt, thinking that should be left up to the states to sort out on their own. See, TJ is a state’s rights guy. Sure, the federal government is necessary. But a lot of this business should be left up to the states to run themselves. As far as a capital goes, TJ and other agrarians thinks it needs to be in the “south”.

But TJ has a rival, a guy who disagrees with TJ. A guy who thought we should consolidate all the states debts into a national one, and establish a national bank, a guy who thinks our new capital needs to be close to the major commercial centers of the Northeast. This guy? Why it’s none other than Secretary of the Treasury, Alexander Hamilton.

TJ and Alexander Hamilton were like two squabbling children, each writing for newspapers under various names to slander the other one. Jefferson and James Madison even founded their own paper to just write shit about Hamilton, who was spouting his own shit talking in the Federalist Gazette.

George Washington was stuck being their referee, he got so annoyed with TJ at one point he nearly fired him. Washington might have been impartial, but Alexander Hamilton was his protégé, and had served as George’s aide during the Revolutionary War.

But, a deal was struck in 1790, aptly called “The Compromise of 1790”. Hamilton gets his national bank and national debt, and TJ gets the capital where he wants it.

By May of 1792, TJ is starting to see how perhaps the political rivalries between him and Hamilton were not the greatest thing for the new baby country. Arguments for States Rights vs. the Federal Government were intense. So he wrote to George Washington urging him to serve another term. As we know, George Washington obliged.

But Washington was only going to give it one more go before he’s ready to head back to Mount Vernon. In the fall of 1796, George Washington issues his farewell address, where he warns against division in political parties. Of course, nobody listened.

The Election of 1796 is going to be the first contested elections. It’s also going to be dirty, and ugly. The social climate in the country is chaos. The excitement of winning the Revolution has worn off, and the citizens aren’t really united against a common enemy anymore.

Some want a stronger federal government (aptly named the Federalists). Some think it’s already too strong (these are TJ’s Democratic-Republicans)

The Federalists are led by current Vice President John Adams,  and Alexander Hamilton (but make no mistake, while these guys are on the same “team”, they are not friends). Another guy you have never heard of, but was a heavy hitter in the early Federalist party: Thomas Pickney (his brother is Charles Cotesworth Pinckney who will lose to TJ AND James Madison).

The Democratic-Republicans have big names like Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Aaron Burr, and Samuel Adams.

The big issues of the time revolve around the Jay Treaty, which basically boils down to supporting or opposing the US’s relationship with Britain and France, who are now at war with each other.

Federalists = Pro British

Democratic-Republicans = Pro French

And everyone was pro getting the economy moving, because the country was in an economic depression. Starting a new country is like starting a new business, it can be tough on the pocketbook.

The Constitution, which did not bargain for political parties, saying nothing about an official way to pick a candidate to nominate for president. We’re still 30 years from the first convention. So prominent members of the parties try to get other party members to follow their lead. Basically all those top guys get their names thrown out there.

The Consensus is the race is going to boil down to TJ vs. John Adams. It’ll be the match up of the only 2 presidents to sign the Declaration of Independence.

John Adams is for bigger government, and raising taxes to pay for it all. He supports Britain and the Jay Treaty, and doesn’t want to get in the middle of the squabble between the Brits and the French. TJ, meanwhile, is for small government, he’s against the Jay Treaty, and thinks were honor bound to support France because of their help in the revolution.

Candidates won’t really be involved in campaigning. In fact, it’s considered unethical. And they’re all going to pretend they don’t even want the presidency, that they’re unwilling candidates, but that’s probably not an accurate representation of reality. Sure TJ called politics a “game” and claimed it was a “useless waste of time”, but come on now. TJ had ambition.

So how do you campaign if you can’t actively campaign? Why, you have people do it for you in, in newspaper editorials, leaflets (pamphlets), political rallies, and exuberant loud proclamations.

And Those newspaper editorials, and leaflets are going to get brutal.

Thomas Jefferson is painted as an atheist who will abolish all religion if he wins. He’s smeared as a “philosopher”, a “visionary”, and “fit to be professor in a college” (not president). Those things might not sound bad today, but back then he was seen as a loose cannon, who would impose anarchy on the whole country. TJ’s followers were called “cut-throats who walk in rags, and sleep amidst filth and vermin.”

Plus, according to Federalists TJ is a friend of the French. He supports the French Revolution, and can’t get enough of bloody, angry mobs. In a remarkable turn of events, TJ gets direct support from the French Government (I mean he did live there for five years and make a lot of friends), but generally foreign interference in US elections is frowned upon. (See: Trump & Russia)

Meanwhile, John Adams is painted as a monarchists. If he wins, we could become a monarchy (John Adams has a son with political ambition, TJ only has daughters!) He doesn’t believe in Democracy of in the federal Constitution.

Ben Franklin’s grandson owns a newspaper now, and he’s going to really pile on John Adams. First of all, the paper prints mean things about John Adam’s weight. Then they call him a “champion of kings, ranks, and titles”. He’s too stuffy, we need someone to loose up the presidency a bit!

The parties are both still pretty new though. There’s no party loyalty, no party discipline. Electors vote less on party, and more on personal friendships and mere whimsey. In fact, only 60% of electors will vote for guys in their party, or even on the ballot. The other 40% go rouge.  It’s less like a presidential election, and more like an election for a high school student council president. It’s a popularity contest.

Alexander Hamilton might have been in the same political party as John Adams. But, as we said: the two were not friends (It boiled down to John Adams being kind of an ass about Hamilton’s heritage as a “Creole Bastard” child of an immigrant), so Hamilton really preferred to see any Federalist be president over Adams.

And he’s found a flaw in the Constitution that just might throw a wrench into John Adam’s hope for the presidency. In the early days, each elector got two votes. Ideally one for president, one for vice president. But there were no stipulations on how to separate those votes.

The idea was some guys would run, first place vote getter would be president, second place (or first loser) would be Vice President. But, the Constitution didn’t account for political parties, each putting forth a guy they thought would make a good president and a vice president.

This was commonly acknowledged as a defect in the Constitution, but Hamilton was more than happy to exploit it. Thomas Pinckney was the Federalists Vice President pick. He was a southern diplomat from South Carolina, but with much less experience in politics that John Adams. Hamilton thought that meant he’d be a great puppet. If enough electors gave Pinckney votes he could be president instead of John Adams.

But when it came down to it, Hamilton was unsuccessful. The electors cast their votes in their respective state capitals on the first Wednesday in December. According to law, the votes stayed sealed and were opened the 2^nd Wednesday in February when both Houses of Congress could be there.

Basically, it was done Survivor Style. Everyone casts their votes, and you’ll read them live a few months later at a reunion show. (Although, Survivor has a better track record for keeping the winner a secret)

When the votes were counted, John Adams received 71, Thomas Jefferson received 68, Thomas Pickney received 59, Aaron Burr (the up and coming New York lawyer and Tammany Hall operative, and the Democratic-Republican’s pick for Vice President) received 30, Samuel Adams came in with 15, and eight other guys accounted for 33 more votes.

Worth noting: The saying that history is written by the winners is obvious here. I mean, Sam Adams is pretty far down the list on big names here and he’s got a beer named after him. The Federalists may have won this round, but that’s about all they’re going to win.

The presidency is going to go to John Adams of the Federalists. But, take a look at the second place finisher, the vice presidency is going to go to Jefferson, of the opposing political party. Opsies.

That flaw in the election process is sort of a shock to the system. At first TJ is fine with it, saying John Adams “has always been my senior”, and claiming “the 2^nd office is honorable and easy, but the first is splendid misery”.

This is something John Adams will come to realize. He’ll have a tough four years.

John Adams and TJ have a few conversations about British and French relations in the first two days of their administration, and it doesn’t go well. President Adams then excludes TJ from anything important for the rest of the term. That’s fine, TJ spends the next four years keeping a safe distance from John Adams, which means nothing Adams does over the next four years will reflect on him poorly.

And there are some things over the next four years that are going to go poorly for John Adams. The French were not pleased with the US, and they started boarding and seizing US ships. When Adams tries to get money for the Navy, he’s called a war monger. When Adams tries to negotiate with France, Hamilton calls him an appeaser.

And then there was the Alien and Sedition Act, which we will get to when we celebrate Adams in October. But, basic overview, anyone who criticizes the American government for the president can be fined and thrown in jail (and people actually were!) Some guy got jailed for calling John Adams “a big ass” while drunk in a neighborhood pub. This is America, it’s your Constitutional right to free speech, even if you’re talking shit about the president.

So by the time the election of 1800 rolls around, some Federalists have reservations about John Adams serving another term. “Reservations” might be a mild term. Some Federalists openly wished Adams would get into a carriage accident. The Federalists are now split between those one Adam’s side, and those on Hamilton’s.

The Federalists and the Democratic-Republicans still hate each other though, in fact, it’s hard to think of two political parties in history that loathed each other as much. It doesn’t help that the president is running against the current Vice President. Luckily, we will fix this soon.

But for now, Thomas Jefferson, current Vice President is seen as the frontrunner in the rematch election.

 It’s pretty much a repeat of 1796. It’s just as boisterous, and dirty as the first go around, and the mud starts slinging a full year in advance. We’ll see attacks in print, from full page newspaper ads to 50 page pamphlets.

TJ hires a writer to print shit about John Adams. He’s called ‘Repulsive’, a ‘gross hypocrite’. The writer is then jailed for 9 months under the Alien and Sedition Acts. But that makes a good martyr for the Democratic-Republicans.

The Democratic-Republicans are now calling the President, “King John”. They claim that one of John Adam’s sons were going to marry King George III daughter to start a royal dynasty and reunite the United States with Britain.

The Federalists continue with their same arguments: TJ is a ‘godless atheist’ who was a coward during the Revolution (he wrote, he didn’t fight!), and he slept with his slaves! At one point they even print that he’s actually dead! (Turns out, in a weird coincidence it was a slave at Monticello also named Thomas Jefferson).

The Federalists will hold military parades, the Democratic-Republicans plant liberty poles (basically billboards). Both throw large picnics and barbecues where they try and buy votes with good food and alcohol.

Of course there are other guys with a horse in this race too. Thomas Pinckney is gone, but his Federalist brother, Charles Cotesworth Pinckney is Alexander’s puppet pick this time around.

Hamilton is going to lobby hard for Pinckney. At one point a 54-page letter Hamilton wrote titled “Letter from Alexander Hamilton Concerning the Public Conduct and Character of John Adams, President of the United States”.  In the letter Hamilton claims Adams suffers from “distempered jealousy”, “extreme egotism” and “ungovernable temper”.

It was pretty shocking. It’d be like if John McCain had written a letter like that about George H.W. Bush.

But nobody really knows how or why the letter got leaked. Some thought it was to throw the election to Pinckney, some thought Hamilton had just lost his mind, and some thought it was leaked without Hamilton’s consent, that it was only intended for a few Federalists in South Carolina.  

Who might do such a thing? Well, it could be Aaron Burr. He is back for the Democratic-Republicans. He’s been a rising star since 1796, and with the support of Tammany Hall for the Democratic-Republicans, things are coming up roses.

It’s the first Wednesday in December, so it’s time to cast some votes. Now usually electors waste a couple of votes here and there, to make sure your number one guy becomes president, and your number two guy becomes vice president.

This time around everyone knows it’s going to be really close, so you’re going to have to be careful how you “waste” those votes. The Democratic-Republican electors will not screw around. You have two votes. You cast one for TJ, and one for Aaron Burr.

The end result was a tie at 73 votes for both Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, John Adams came in third with 65, Charles Pinckney in 4^th with 64.

But now there’s a tie, so where do we go? To the House of Representatives! But guess who has the majority there? It’s the Federalists! They’re going to have to pick their president and vice president between two Democratic-Republicans. The irony.

Each state will get 1 vote, and pick their president. Loser gets VP.

Of course, Hamilton has an opinion. Because he always has an opinion. His pick is Thomas Jefferson, 100 percent. He’s going to lobby hard to make that happen. You see Alexander Hamilton had his own, less famous Tammany Hall, and he was at odds with Aaron Burr. Eventually this will lead to his demise, but we’ll get there).

Some Federalists were hoping for Burr, just because they hated TJ so much, they even tried to cut a deal with Burr, but Burr won’t agree to anything in their agenda.

Burr was the intended Vice President by the Democratic-Republicans, they just messed it up by not splitting the vote. At first Burr was happy to be TJ’s Vice President. But now that he could be president? Well, that was pretty appealing to him. He doesn’t directly advance his cause, but he also isn’t going to  do anything to disway people from choosing him. TJ doesn’t trust Burr further than he can throw him, saying “I never thought of Burr as an honest man, but considered him a crooked gun, whose aim you could never be sure of.”

After six days of voting, and 36 ballots, where guys took naps on the House floor, bringing pillows with them, while citizens rallied outside for “Jefferson, friend of the people”, TJ was declared the winner.

Some people think he cut a deal. There were lots of back room dealings, drinks at taverns, and eventually four states abstain from voting, given TJ the 10 he needed to win.

Jefferson would always deny any deal was made. But he did enact some Federalist policies as president. He continued the national bank that Hamilton had started, he financed the national debt he was originally against, and he kept certain Federalists in office.

Deal or not though, Thomas Jefferson is sworn in as the 3^rd president of the United States. Burr will be his Vice President, and buddy James Madison will be his Secretary of State.

John Adams will be so salty about it, he doesn’t even attend his successors inauguration. But this is important because it sets a precedent for the first peaceful transfer of power from one political party to another.

After TJ takes the oath of office, the first to do so in DC, he walks back to his boarding house and a crowd follows. It’s the first inaugural parade! Then he’ll get to move into the Executive Mansion. It’s brand new, just a year old! He’ll have to install “water closets” though. 

TJ will prove to be a highly skilled, middle of the road president that everyone kind of likes, even the Federalists are willing to work with him.

If he has one weakness, it’s public speaking. He’s shy, a mumbler, he’s got poor posture, and while the guy can carry on a conversation in private just fine, he is not an effective speaker. He’s going to forgo giving the speech for his “Annual Address” (eventually State of the Union), and instead use his writing skills to persuade others, and articulate his positions.

Let’s not pretend he’s got no downsides. He admitted Ohio in the union, and that’s just the worst. Plus he started handshakes, instead of the customary bowing of George Washington and John Adams.

But that’s because TJ is totally just a casual guy. He didn’t want to feel like a king speaking to his subjects. The Federalists had cloaked the office of the presidency in aristocracy. Read: they were snobby snobs who acted too good for everything. And TJ was like eff that man, we’re not going to be a stuffy bunch.

In fact he’s so not stuffy he’s going to refuse to powder his wig, or go by any fancy titles. Out with the old aristocratic mumbo jumbo. He’ll wear slippers around the White House and he’s just going to answer the door in his pjs if he wants to. He’s a comfort over style guy, some see it as endearing. But while some people are totes cool with TJ in his PJs, but some ambassadors found it appalling.

That’s ok, TJ will just use a combination of his daughter Patsy, and his buddy James Madison’s wife (the one, the only Dolley) to help with entertaining.

He wants everyone sitting at round tables, no head of the table necessary for this guy. He’ll talk ideas and books, and have everyone feel like equals.

And he will serve you some of the yummiest food around. His gourmet dinner parties are popular. He introduces everyone to pasta and ice cream, and French fries, which he learned about during his time in Europe. He serves Italian Macaroni, oysters, crabs and pate. It’s said he spends $50 a day on groceries, which is like $1,000 in today’s money.

Beyond his and Dolley’s parties, TJ makes some popular decisions as president. He repeals the Alien and Sedition Acts, and even pardons anyone who had been convicted under the act. So now you can have free speech! It opens the door for opposition to the political party in charge, and freedom of the press.

He reduced restrictions on immigration, decreased the national debt, improved our roads and canals, and expanded the national education system into rural areas. And he does it  all while almost completely eliminating internal revenue taxes.

He fights pirates too! Well, HE doesn’t physically fight them, but he sent troops to do it. Basically if you wanted to travel anywhere in the Mediterranean Sea, you had to pay the Barbary States to ensure the North African Pirates would leave you alone. For 15 years, America had been paying up to a million bucks to the Barbary states (today’s Lybya) to pay off the pirates.

But TJ is going to be having none of that. He doesn’t ask permission from Congress to go to war with the Barbary states, he’ll let them know later. The Barbary War doesn’t have time for that, anyway. It will be won by the US in record time. Notable: it’s the first war we’ve gone to overseas.

Not only can Americans win on their own soil, but now we know we can fight back and win anywhere. We kicked the crap out of those pirates. Fun fact #1: the line in the Marines humn “from the shores of Tripoli comes from this war. Fun Fact #2: It was the first time an American Flag is raised on foreign soil.

All of this is great. But it pales in comparison to the greatest purchase of all time: The Louisiana Purchase.

The French and the British were STILL going at it, and the French were looking to offload their territory, and while TJ is not a fan of Napoleon (and sold it to Jefferson for the bargain price of just $15 million. That’s less than 3 cents an acre. The Federalists think it’s a waste of money, but TJ is thrilled.

First of all, it doubled the size of America. Outdoorsman, explorer TJ couldn’t wait to see what the new land will have to offer. His mind went wild thinking of the possibilities: Could there be wooly mammoths? Active volcanoes? Mountains made out of salt?

TJ would love to go find out for himself, but a president can’t do such things. So he sends his personal secretary, Merriweather Lewis to go explore. Merriweather calls up his buddy, an army guy, William Clark to see if he wants to go along.

And just like that the dream team of Lewis and Clark is born. They set off from Saint Louis Missouri on May 4, 1804. The guys explore, they meet Native Americans (and THE Native American Sacagawea!! Who joins the guys as their interpreter), and they adventure all the way out to the Pacific Ocean.

It’s 1804 now, and it’s an election year. But that’s not all.

On a personal note, Jefferson’s daughter Polly has just died. She was all grown up now, with a family of her own, but she had suffered from health issues like her mom.

TJ receives a note from Abigail Adam’s, John’s wife, who offers her condolences, after all Polly had lived with the Adam’s for awhile and Abigail called her "the favorite of every creature in the House.” It will soften TJ’s opinion of the Adam’s family after their tumultuous time together .

But, for now TJ’s focus is on continuing his presidency. After all, Lewis and Clark are still out there. He’s gotta be here when they come back. And he’s so popular, the Federalists are barely going to put up a fight at all.

Everyone knows TJ is a shoe in. The Federalists don’t even have an actual caucus to nominate anyone, they simply agree to informally support Charles Cotesworth Pinckney. But Pinckney wasn’t all that exciting four years ago, and he’s not all that exciting now. He’s a large guy, who is half-deaf, and a total snooze fest. But at least he’s respected by both parties.

He’s basically just a placeholder. It’s a forgone conclusion that TJ is going to be elected to serve another four years. A few New England Federalists come out swinging with the usual anti-TJ slurs of ‘he’s an atheist’ who ‘had an affair with a slave’, and then threw in that they thought the Louisiana Purchase was unconstitutional.

But it all fell on deaf ears. All the Federalists cries from 1796 and 1800 turned out to be unfounded. TJ hadn’t in fact, turned America into an atheistic society, or abandoned New England Merchants. In fact, most Americans were better off with TJ in charge.

The snoozer, no contest election of 1804 wouldn’t even have the drama of first and second place either. By now, the 12^th Amendment had been ratified, separating the votes for President and Vice President. No more unintended mixed party tickets. Hillary Clinton will not be Trumps Vice President.

But, Aaron Burr will also not be Vice President. TJ is over him, almost immediately after the election in 1800. And Burr never liked TJ after he refused any of Burrs appointment choices. So, instead Burr is going to try his hand at Governor of New York. (TJ is going to go with George Clinton, you know, DeWitt’s Uncle!)

Burr is still Vice President when he loses his election to be Governor of New York. He blames it on all kinds of people, including Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton said Burr was plotting to lead the New England states into secession, and Burr got so pissed off he challenged Hamilton to a duel.

Vice President Burr was victorious, and Alexander Hamilton was dead. But, sidenote: dueling was illegal, and Burr was indicted for murder! His case was never tried, and but Burr became a disgraced politician, and was later accused of treason (but acquitted then too.)

So, it’s a good thing the Democratic-Republicans had decided to go another route for their Veep choice. Yay George Clinton!

TJ, for his part, won in a landslide 162 to 14. The only two states who didn’t vote for TJ were Connecticut and Delaware.

Now in his second term, Lewis and Clark are back! They’ve brought plant samples, and animal samples, and fossils. TJ is thrilled, and as a whole room in the White House to display the fossils (today most are at the Academy of Natural Science in Philly).

They also have a gift with them: two baby bear cubs! TJ walks them on leashes and has them live on the White House lawn in cages until they get too big and then sends them off to a museum.

That TJ, he’s an animal rights kind of guy. He sheltered peacocks, partridges, bears, and dogs. Plus he loved his Mocking Bird (named Dick) who rides around on TJ’s shoulder, flies freely around the White House, sings duets with TJ as he plays his violin and even eats from TJ’s mouth.

TJ’s second term won’t be as smooth sailing as his first go at it, though. Britain and France’s issues are quickly becoming a major problem. They’re using economic warfare, and disregarding American’s neutral rights at sea.

Things come to a head in June of 1807, when the Chesapeake is attacked, killing American sailors. TJ then issues the Embargo Act, which you might remember from James Madison’s birthday (he’s TJ’s Secretary of State, remember?) The act halts trade with all of Europe, and it doesn’t go over well in America.

TJ will make one big contribution in his second term: he will ban the import of slaves from Africa, ending the slave trade.

And he’ll see the passage of the 12^th Amendment.

But now it’s 1808, and it’s time for James Madison to also beat Charles Cotesworth Pinckney, and become president.

TJ is happy to retire to Monticello with his slaves and his one living daughter, and his 12 grand kids. He designs bunks for the kids, organizes races on the lawn, teaches them chess and even invented a game called Goose, one of the first board games in the US (a lot like Chutes and Ladders).

But he’s also going to keep on reading. He has a collection of over 6,000 books. So when Washington burns under his buddy Madison’s watch, TJ is going to sell a good bunch of those books to help restock the Library of Congress, which will go on to become the world’s largest library. (Today, it’s home to books in 470 languages including the oldest surviving book in the US, a scientific paper written by Copernicus, and the most valuable book in the world, the Guttenberg Bible. There’s even a room filled with TJ’s original books)

He continues his love of farming, growing grapes, oranges, garlic, rice, and marijuana. An agrarian guy, he hoped to introduce a variety of crops to the south, to help make them less dependent on cotton.

Friends will build their homes near Monticello. TJ encourages them by paving roads between their houses for easy visiting. James Madison will finish up his presidency, and live nearby.

But, it’s not just friends close by that TJ is reconnecting with. The Great Reconciliation of TJ and John Adams will happen in 1812, and they’ll spend the next 14 years of their lives trading letters as close friends. (It’s a relationship you can compare to Truman and Eisenhower, Ford and Carter, or Bush and Clinton).

TJ will also found the University of Virginia from the ground up. He plans it down to the last detail, and it opens to 40 students and several distinguished Europeans on facilty. The students treat it less like a prestigious University, and more like animal house, though. Their dorms become gambling dens, they get drunk in taverns, walk out of classes, and throw stink bombs in professor’s offices.

TJ shouldn’t be surprised. He’s always enjoyed a little bit of a rebellion, saying “Every generation needs a new revolution”.

TJ will live until the age of 83. If you ask him how he managed to live so long, he’d attribute it to cold foot baths he took every day for 60 years. Coincidently, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on the same day:  the 4^th of July, 1826, the 50^th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. His last words: “Is it the fourth?” TJ wanted to go out in style.

Thomas Jefferson designed his own tomb stone, and explicitly instructed his top three accomplishments be listed on his tombstone. But, it’s not what you think.

1) Writer of the Declaration of Independence

2) Author of the Statute of Religious Freedom (in Virginia)

3) Father of the University of Virginia

That’s right, TJ is the inventor of the humble brag: he left President of the United States off his tomb stone.

The stone itself was designed to be simple, almost “cheap”,  to thwart thieves. It didn’t work. People chipped so much away to keep as souvenirs, the stone had to be replaced. Everyone wanted a piece of TJ, they were stealing anything they could get their hands on, including plants from Monticello. It got so bad, TJ’s grandson took out a newspaper ad asking people to stop (it didn’t).

That gives you a picture, that TJ was a beloved figure. And he was, he is. But, it’s not like he didn’t have his haters. And some were among his fellow presidents:

JQA once called TJ “A slur upon the moral government of the world.”

Even Teddy didn’t mince words about TJ, calling him “Perhaps the most incapable executive that ever filled the presidential chair.”

TJ wasn’t perfect, nobody is. He was full of contradictions. He was an abolitionist but also a slave owner, and while he might have been a forward-thinking humanitarian, his thoughts on Native Americans were truly alarming. Some found him charming, others found him cold.

He certainly was no feminist, educating his daughters to defer to men, and telling them to wear their bonnet in the sun, or it will “make you very ugly, and then men will not love you so much.”

But he also had his admirers. Abraham Lincoln called him “the most distinguished politician in our history”.

But, if you want a more accurate picture of how beloved Thomas Jefferson is today, just go to this Bill Clinton quote: “If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, I’d appoint him Secretary of State, then suggest to Al Gore we both resign, so he could become president”

Secretary of State is actually 5^th in line after Speaker of the House, and President of the Senate. But you get the point. History has been kind to TJ. He’s often seen as a major icon of liberty and democracy. He’s memorialized in countless ways. His face is on the nickel (and the $2 bill), he’s featured on Mount Rushmore, and has his own memorial in Washington DC (which opened on TJs 200^th birthday). But most importantly, Monticello is home to the coolest gift shop the world has ever seen.