The Waterstraut Waterspout: Just a Bowl of Mashed Potatoes

Disclaimer: If you aren't here to read me gushing about Asa, you've come to the wrong post and you should continue on your way. Consider yourself warned.

Most of you know I came down with some kind of nasty cold just a few days after my birthday. It started with laryngitis and continued into a cough and general misery. It wasn't covid (I tested, and literally nobody else in the house ever got it), and I don't really know where I picked it up- but I have spent the majority of year 42 hacking up a lung, napping, and not being able to talk. I'm finally starting to come out of it, though the cough stubbornly remains. It's been nearly three weeks.

Now, when I was REALLY sick, this picture of me and Asa came up in my memories. One of my friends had added it years ago, and tagged me (the post was years after this picture was taken), but this is what I believe to be the very first picture of young Asa and young Corinne together, and it had me nostalgic and very, very grateful for how my life turned out. (Just look at those baby faces, we had no idea we were each other's people back then. What a life we've built!) And note, he still holds my hand just like that and cuddles me when we sit together on the couch.

But here is the thing about reflecting, I don't have the cleanest of paths to have gotten to where I am. That's ok, and I'm not at all ashamed of it, but I also don't go out there broadcasting everything I've been through. So, here's some Corinne backstory for you (most of you know this, but still): Asa was not the first person I thought was my person. In fact, this picture was taken about a year after I was so sure someone was my person, that I married that person. And it was, a big disastrous mistake, for both of us.

I'm not going to sit here and trash anyone. It was what it was, a terrible but true saying. Nobody can go back and change it, so you might as well learn from it. I'm sure we both said and did things to each other that really hurt each other's feelings. It didn't work out for a multitude of reasons, though the catalyst to the break up was the fact that it turns out the guy I had married was gay. I had no idea, and even less of an idea that he was cheating on me. Look, that was FOREVER ago. I always have said (and always told my kids- especially the two that were there for it) that I'm sure it was super difficult to come to terms with being gay when you've already gotten married to the opposite sex. I don't fault anyone for that. But, it was handled poorly. And then I handled it poorly.

Anyway, I tell you all of this because a lot of toxic and abusive things happened between the time I discovered what had been going on, and when I finally had the guts to tell anyone except for a handful of friends about it. Some things were really, really bad. But weirdly enough, what sticks out to me is this one incident, that I'm going to share. Not to make anyone look bad, but to show you how the weirdest things can still affect us twenty years later. It's probably something he doesn't even remember. And it's not even that terrible, but it made me feel like nothing.

So, here it is: there was this one time I was sick, and he wouldn't walk across the street to get kleenex out of the car for me. That's it. That's the incident. I was sick, felt miserable, and my car was parked across the street in a parking lot, and despite asking over and over again, he would not go get them. I don't remember why. Was it cold? Was it raining? I honestly do not remember. I know I used cheap toilet paper until I finally went to get them myself. But the exchange is probably the most vivid I still have in my memory of that part of my life. Yup, kleenex. I know at other times there were hurtful words said, I know there was pushing and shoving, I know there were broken doors and things thrown. But, kleenex. That is the most vivid memory I have from my first marriage. Bazaar, right?

I just remember how terrible it made me felt. This guy, who had married me, couldn't be bothered to walk across the street to my car to retrieve me some kleenex. I wasn't even asking him to go to the store. It wasn't really about the Kleenex, it was about the effort. I just don't think I've ever in my life felt more worthless, more unloved, most unworthy. And those feelings of that kleenex incident has stuck with me for 20 years.

So, here's the thing, I'm way beyond comparing my marriage now to that one. There is no comparison. It's not even in the same league. We were really only married a short time when I discovered the truth. We went back and forth for awhile. I had a hard time letting go. It was ugly. But, that was a lifetime ago. We were babies. We had no idea what we were doing. We were both terrible communicators. It was just bad all around. But I learned from it, I moved on, and I realized I landed in a better place.

Because since the Kleenex incident, since the divorce, those two kids in that picture up there have become best friends, co-dependent loves of their lives, teammates. We've grown up together, raised kids, bought houses, lost loved ones together. And, we know a lot more about communication and selflessness and forgiveness and marriage than I did 20 years ago. I can't imagine what my life could have been, because I can't imagine it without Asa.

Asa is no doubt my person. I know this every single day, in all the tiny things he does for me, all the 'I love you's' and all the kisses and affection, in the way I still look at him and wonder how I got so lucky as to end up with him. But man, when I am sick, like really sick - like I was these last few weeks- I just cannot help reflect on those kleenex. Asa has been amazing, as he always is when I'm sick. He holds down the fort at home- taking care of every little thing (sure, as Hayden says 'when mom is sick this house comes to a grinding halt', but he's talking about things like getting his laundry folded and grocery shopping). But more than all that stuff, Asa took care of me. I had a bell to ring if I needed anything. There was always a freezie beanie waiting for me in the freezer. He'd tuck me in, kiss my forehead, and run out of the office the second it was time for my next dose of medicine. When it became obvious I'd have to do my first telehealth call ever, he sat with me, encouraged me, and told me how proud he was of me for doing it. When I had coughing fits, waking him up in the middle of the night, he'd rub my back instead of complaining about losing his sleep. I got forehead kisses, heating pads, tucked in, and just general company. He'd sit with me and bring me anything I needed. He was just everything you'd want your husband to be.

And when I finally got off my toast and snowcone diet, he asked if he could make me anything and I finally asked for some mashed potatoes, and this guy immediately paused his game, jumped up and made me mashed potatoes from scratch. So, to most people this picture might just seem like a bowl of mashed potatoes, but to me, this is a picture of love. Of just how much I am excatly where I'm supposed to be. Of just how much I feel valued and loved. Of just how far I've come in my life. And I hope everyone lands at their version of a bowl of mashed potatoes. Because, gratitude, love, and pride for where you ended up is a pretty powerful combination of emotions.

Do not get me wrong, it didn't take me until now to realize this. I realized this long before Asa and I said our 'I do's' but for whatever reason, it hit me really hard this time. I went from the kleenex story to this. Life sure has a funny way of working out. And, I'm grateful. Thanks for everything, babe. You are the best husband, my favorite person, and my best friend. Love YOU. (I know you'll hate this blog if you ever get to it for the gushy-ness, but you deserve it!)

You guys, he even had to do the dreaded summer power washing since we got the "dirty driveway" HOA letter- and it was brutal out there. (Power washing is one of my chores- that I only do once that letter shows up). And if power washing in a 120 degree heat index isn't love, I don't know what is.

Anyway, thats my story. And, I don't have a lot else to add, because I've been sick for a week living off snowcones, dog snuggles, Potatoland Cartoons, and Asa love. (That snowcone maker came in hugely handy! And note, the very nice homemade potato bacon soup Asa made me too, and the Bee Coffee Strawberry Rose he brought me)